Site menu

Submenu

Personal transformation

A life of your dreams

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes (Marcel Proust)

You can't get away from it. If you want to change your life then it's you that has to change it. It's not up to other people. It's not down to outside circumstances. We each create our own reality. We each have the capacity to become and achieve almost anything we really want to, but we do have to undertake certain things to be able to realise our dreams.

It's a three step process.

  1. We need to know what it is we do want, clearly and unambiguously.
  2. We need to clear all the negative beliefs, habits and blockages that hold us back.
  3. We need to do what it takes, flexibly, with commitment

In this newsletter I'm going to talk about the first step - knowing what we want.

It may come as a surprise, but many people find it very difficult to know exactly what they want. They know what they don't want. They know they want to make improvements in their lives, but they've never allowed themselves the chance to dream about what they really do want.

If you want to change your life for the better you need to challenge yourself to think about what you do want to put in place of the things you don't want.

It helps to focus on life's different areas. If you struggle to know what you want, then find some time when you can sit quietly by yourself. Take pen and paper and start to list everything you can think of that you have ever wanted or thought might be good to have, be or do.

Focus on one area at a time:

You may end up with a page full of contradictions, whims and passionate desires. If that happens, then that's fine. Once you start this process then, over a period of time, you will get clearer and closer to what you really want.

You'll cross things off this list as you realise you don't really want or need them - they're just things that other people have told you that you should want. You'll cross things off the list when you realise that you've outgrown them.

You'll add things to the list as you dare to dream bigger and better, as you break free from the jails you've been clapped into by your previous conditioning.

You'll be amazed at the changes you'll see just because you've taken the time to simply claim the things you want for yourself and write them down. I wrote my first list in 1994, and looking back now I'm struck by how many of the things on the list have happened without any conscious effort on my part.

Clearing the blockages

If we are going to make changes towards the life of our dreams, we need to clear out the negative beliefs, habits and blockages that always seem to hold us back, largely through conditioning over the years.

Each of us has programmes running our brains. We have all been programmed, all our lives, subconsciously, by our parents, friends and experiences. These programmes act as filters, controlling what we notice and the conclusions we draw about it.

We are bombarded by information, more than twenty thousand pieces a second (some people say it's as many as twenty million!). We can only consciously manage a tiny amount of this information, an average of 7 pieces per second in fact. This means we have to sort, or filter all the incoming data to select those pieces that enable us to understand life.

Our values, beliefs, decisions and memories comprise our filters, so we see what we already believe, or what we're already looking for. Then we distort that tiny amount of information to conform with our pre-existing idea of the world, and we generalise to match known patterns.

Using these filters means that we see a world of our own making, rather than the world as it 'really' is. Other people filter, distort and generalise differently, and that's why they see the world differently. We limit ourselves by the way we see the world. We limit the things we allow ourselves to want, the things we believe we are allowed to do, the things we believe we have to do, the things we believe we can do. People who live big lives, people who live their big dreams, are people who have learned to challenge these limitations in their own minds.

We can change the filters, and this changes the world we live in and the opportunities available to us. We can learn to think differently. It's possible to do this consciously, but, because our beliefs and filters are stored in the unconscious or subconscious we often need help. Everyone can start in simple ways:

  1. We can start challenging our own beliefs by getting them out into the open. People do this in different ways. One friend carries a small notebook around with him, watches his thoughts and writes down each belief as it surfaces. Another woman questions her beliefs in the mirror, and a third person prefers to create special time, sit down and just write as the beliefs come to her. You may find any of these approaches useful, or you may prefer one of your own. It doesn't matter, as long as you're honestly searching for the beliefs and habits that drive the way you live.

    Many beliefs may be helpful. Hang on to those until you can replace them with even more powerful alternatives. For now you are searching for the unhelpful and limiting beliefs, anything that starts with

    • I can't
    • I shouldn't
    • I'm afraid
    • I'm not allowed
    • That's not for me
    • etc.

    Do whatever it takes and for however long it takes to get these persistent thoughts out into the open

  2. As you identify each negative belief, start to challenge it. See whether it is a truth, or a limiting myth. Examples of challenges might be:

    • I can't - challenge with: yes, I can not do this thing, but what would happen if I did?
    • I shouldn't - challenge with: who says I shouldn't? Who would it really hurt? What would happen if I did?
    • I'm afraid - challenge with: what am I afraid of? Is this a real fear, or just general nervousness? What could I do to reduce the fear? Or should I 'feel the fear and do it anyway'? What would happen if I did?
    • I'm not allowed - challenge with: who isn't allowing me? Is this a real authority, or one imposed on me by my upbringing or someone who wants to control me. What would happen if I did?
    • That's not for me - challenge with: why isn't it for me? What in me is stopping me from having this thing that I want? What would happen if I did?

    You might find yourself pleasantly surprised by some of the answers to these challenges. Many people find that they have been living according to limitations that are sheer self imposed illusion, and are free to do many of the things they dream of.

  3. Now you can choose the new beliefs that you will practice living by. Rephrase each negative into a self-supporting positive, such as:

    • I can't with: I will, I choose to or I can
    • I shouldn't with: I give myself permission, or I am free to
    • I'm afraid with: I'm excited or I challenge myself
    • I'm not allowed with: I'm going to try it and see what happens
    • That's not for me with: then I'll pretend to be the type of person it is for, and see what happens

    Choose words that work for you, and start to experiment. Like many clients and friends, you will find that pleasant and exciting changes will start to flood into your life.

You may find that some of the limiting beliefs are hard to shift. They reside deep in the subconscious and need to be changed at an unconscious level. This is where NLP, hypnotherapy and coaching can help. NLP is a powerful tool to help you understand the limiting programmes and reframe them to provide more choices. Hypnotherapy can speed change by challenging and changing beliefs at the level of the unconscious, and getting to grips with some issues that are reluctant to make themselves known at a conscious level. In coaching we help you find your vision, identify external and internal blockages, and create a plan of action to take you to where you want to be. We then hold that vision for you when times get tough, keeping you focussed on getting to where you want to be.

Now available:

Adam's inheritance